Homework 19- Big Paper Suggestions

My partners did not post up their rough drafts, so i commented on Amber's and Carrie's instead.

Amber,

For a rough draft, I think your paper is extremely strong. Your thesis is sharp and concise, and your arguments are clear and organized. You should have no trouble creating a final draft of your paper.

In your thesis I liked how you used the phrase “drastic permeation of digital devices”. I feel that this phrase captures the readers attentions because the drama insured by the phrase. The word “drastic” makes the reader wonder why this is so. Why can’t it just be harmful? Word choice is extremely critical in writing a paper, and I think you captured the technique perfectly.

I also like how you went straight into talk about Feed and what M.T Anderson thinks about our society and how Feed is an allegory for our society. However, I am not sure if it is a right choice. When writing an argument paper, you might want to put your arguments first before you put a supporting piece of evidence. This is up to you though, and putting Feed as the first paragraph doesn’t interrupt the flow of the paper.

One thing I think you should add to your paper is how all of this connects to you directly. I guess that would go into the significance section of this paper, but I am really interested in learning how technology in our society connects to YOU as a teenager, as a human, as someone living in our society.

The last thing I think you should add is quotes from classmates or peers. In the last paragraph, where you write “All sides have good arguments, but what is the right answer to this question. The only way to find out is if we stick around long enough to see for our selves” I think you should discuss what people around us think about the answer to this question. It would create more diversity in your paper.

I really enjoyed reading your draft, and can’t wait to read your final paper.

-Rachel (:

Carrie,

First, your draft is very short, but I think what you have makes a lot of sense and your arguments and thesis are extremely sharp. Your draft is organized and simple.
One thing I would change however, is in your thesis “Online social networking tools such as instant messaging, twitter, facebook, texting (not really online) etc. have made it harder for us to read people by eliminating the physical aspect of interaction and making it easier for others to develop a second personality.” I think that instead of saying “such as instant messaging, twitter, facebook, texting (not really online) etc”, you can just write Online social networking tools have made it harder… because including examples in the thesis is not needed, in my opinion. In your introduction or your arguments, you can expand on the examples of social networking, but I think your thesis should just state social networking. It leaves room to talk about these sites or systems in your introduction or argument, instead of jamming it into one sentence.

I really like your last paragraph, and want to read more about what you think about the differences between physical and online interactions. I know that you have some good arguments and quotes planned to incorporate in your paper, and can’t wait to read your final paper.

I really enjoyed reading your snippet of a rough draft, and can’t wait to read the final.

-Rachel (: